I can not stress enough how someone suffering from compulsive hoarding should have their privacy preserved, & treated with respect, dignity & understanding. Humiliating type of exposure is akin to "exposure therapy" in that it serves no greater purpose than to desensitise & free the sufferer from the very thing that was helping them to not get any worse than they already are.
When your whole world is turned upside down, your pride & dignity lost. It changes you for the worst. You stop giving an eff & sink down lower.
Thursday 7 July 2011
Friday 1 July 2011
Disorder's Life #23 - Housing problems
Feeling depressed today. Housing support worker for whom my tenancy is with, came round today, saying my housing officer has had complaints about my cats in the garden. When there are numerous other cats in the neighbourhood who also enter my garden & my front porch (which my own cats don't have access too) & using the stone gravel as their litter tray.
Then the housing support worker said he was thinking of closing my case because there was another housing support worker from an independent organisation seeing me as well. Now, this other housing support worker was referred to me by my housing officer who is trying to get me evicted! This other housing support worker was there to do the housing officer's dirty work, in that he did nothing but put undue pressure on me to clean up WITHOUT offering any help or support, preferring to use what felt like to me threats & intimidation instead of understanding etc.
This tactic will no doubt ONLY lead to me being evicted, because I already suffering from depression & anxiety on top of the compulsive hoarding. So you can just imagine how helpful that approach is going to be for my mental well being & functionality. All it actually results in is making me freeze, sink into myself & give up.
Life is getting quite difficult at the moment. There's so much stuff going on, that I really want to talk about concerning my children, social services & court cases. But I don't think it's wise right now because who knows who's reading my blog. I made the mistake, when I first started journaling & not really knowing what direction it would take me, of giving out blog details to some of the professionals I started working with, mainly the charitable organisation for decluttering. Now, they are in liaison with over professionals who might well take offence to my thoughts on how I & my children/family are being dealt with & have been treated. So though I long to go into greater detail, I shan't!
What's really upsetting to me is how is seems that people seem to think I want this, that I want my garden to be over grown & covered in cat poop, that I want my home to be riddled with vermin & insects & dirty & smells & junk... the list goes on. The fact is, I'm fucking struggling here! I'm fucking struggling & drowning with the weight of it all.
I spoke to the main person for the decluttering charity. I said I wanted to move all the smaller items out of the living room into one of the bedrooms, & then work on deluttering from there. But was told they need to write reports on how the decluttering is going etc.... God! I so SO wish I could do this on my own, my OWN way. I'm so fucking screwed.
As you can tell I'm not feeling optimistic today.
Then the housing support worker said he was thinking of closing my case because there was another housing support worker from an independent organisation seeing me as well. Now, this other housing support worker was referred to me by my housing officer who is trying to get me evicted! This other housing support worker was there to do the housing officer's dirty work, in that he did nothing but put undue pressure on me to clean up WITHOUT offering any help or support, preferring to use what felt like to me threats & intimidation instead of understanding etc.
This tactic will no doubt ONLY lead to me being evicted, because I already suffering from depression & anxiety on top of the compulsive hoarding. So you can just imagine how helpful that approach is going to be for my mental well being & functionality. All it actually results in is making me freeze, sink into myself & give up.
Life is getting quite difficult at the moment. There's so much stuff going on, that I really want to talk about concerning my children, social services & court cases. But I don't think it's wise right now because who knows who's reading my blog. I made the mistake, when I first started journaling & not really knowing what direction it would take me, of giving out blog details to some of the professionals I started working with, mainly the charitable organisation for decluttering. Now, they are in liaison with over professionals who might well take offence to my thoughts on how I & my children/family are being dealt with & have been treated. So though I long to go into greater detail, I shan't!
What's really upsetting to me is how is seems that people seem to think I want this, that I want my garden to be over grown & covered in cat poop, that I want my home to be riddled with vermin & insects & dirty & smells & junk... the list goes on. The fact is, I'm fucking struggling here! I'm fucking struggling & drowning with the weight of it all.
I spoke to the main person for the decluttering charity. I said I wanted to move all the smaller items out of the living room into one of the bedrooms, & then work on deluttering from there. But was told they need to write reports on how the decluttering is going etc.... God! I so SO wish I could do this on my own, my OWN way. I'm so fucking screwed.
As you can tell I'm not feeling optimistic today.
Monday 27 June 2011
Disorder's Life #22 - Trust
Wow! interesting day. The guys from TV production company came round today. They spoke with me abit about my home & then we did a walk through were they filmed & I just spoke about each room as we went. Really interesting experience. I didn't feel half as humiliated or ashamed as I thought I would. I think that is thanks to getting to know them abit before hand first, from our meeting last week & also down to their sensitivity of the subject.
I asked? accepted the suggestion of the main lady I work with to declutter my home, from the charitable organisation to come along when the TV production company guys came, as a kind of advocate for me. What a big mistake! I felt like she painted me as an overly vulnerable case, about to probably have a nervous breakdown at any minute, ugh! Now don't get me wrong, considering what I've been through over the last few years & am still going through at the moment, I am indeed vulnerable! But really! did she have to portray me in what I consider was such an exaggerated, negative manner, honestly!
She was suppose to be here as a friend, to help me keep my privacy intact. instead I ended up feeling more vulnerable & exposed, as she gave out personal information without my consent. Such as comments made about my bathroom, & on about my only having 3 people in my life; my children, my father & the MRS charity. I don't feel like that's the case at all. While it's true that I have ended up isolating myself from the friends I once had. I do socialise, via eg: exercize classes at the gym every week, also something called Core Arts & I (unfortunately) have 101 other appointments which keep me more than busy. So I'm not stuck at home all day rocking in some corner. Pfft!
Gosh! I do find I get nervous when a camera is pointed at my face, & I don't end up saying the things I ought to. I go all tongue tied infact. Eg: I was asked today (something like?) what would be difficult about decluttering my childrens room... I gave the most pathetic, stupid answer imaginable, about my children still needing the toys. Now, probably I should of said more about how their toys remind me of them & helps me to still feel close to my little kittens, but no, instead I said something STUPID! Blegh! *Bows head in shame*
What's really strange is the more I work with the tv production team, the more I'm finding myself looking forward to being a part of this documentary. I'm at least enjoying the process leading up to it. Now in my head, taking part in this will some how lead to better things for me & my children???? Where as before all I could think about was the shame & humiliation it would bring, everyone knowing how "disgusting" I am, living in more than what clearly presents itself as "worst than a pig sty". After all, who lives like this, right? Anyway, also, if I'm chosen for what I was told will be the "A Stories" then I will probably get much more specialised help & support for what's going on in that brain of mine, than I'm getting right now. But we'll see how it all pans out!
Today I feel very much like putting into action the plan I carry around with me in my head, to clear everything out of the living room. I feel a strong motivation to do it & more importantly that I CAN do it! I think it's from the positive encounter with the tv production guys. See! proves that more results can be achieved by using a carrot & not a stick approach. As was spoken about at the seminar.
On a more difficult & painful topic. My children mean the world to me & the biggest fear I have is us drifting apart/away from each other. So that when they grow up we will no longer have any kind of close, loving relationship/bond. I feel what's happening at the moment (with social services) is without a doubt going to lead to this. I'm not going to go into details but it is breaking my effing heart & hurting not just me but my children too.
After what I've been through, I often wonder what I would say or advise someone in similar circumstances. It would be difficult for me to recommend they come forward for help & treatment. To be then labelled a criminal, have their children removed, taken to court, threatened with eviction, humiliated infront of the neighbours, treated like filthy scum, to be pitied if they're lucky & outcasted if they're not. After all that I've experienced I'm surprised I'm still even standing.
No one chooses to live like this. It is a mental illness, no one choses to be ill. People with cancer don't choose to have cancer, or those with Aids don't choose to have Aids, people with Anorexia don't choose to be anorexic & hoarders don't choose to become hoarders. Maybe the right treatment, handing & approach will be set in place for those suffering from this illness in the future. Then again, they have to find what the right treatment is. Reading of only a 30% long term success rate with current treatment isn't encouraging at all.
This (working with outside help & them with hoarders) in many ways is about trust, sensitivity, dignity, respect, privacy & rights.
I asked? accepted the suggestion of the main lady I work with to declutter my home, from the charitable organisation to come along when the TV production company guys came, as a kind of advocate for me. What a big mistake! I felt like she painted me as an overly vulnerable case, about to probably have a nervous breakdown at any minute, ugh! Now don't get me wrong, considering what I've been through over the last few years & am still going through at the moment, I am indeed vulnerable! But really! did she have to portray me in what I consider was such an exaggerated, negative manner, honestly!
She was suppose to be here as a friend, to help me keep my privacy intact. instead I ended up feeling more vulnerable & exposed, as she gave out personal information without my consent. Such as comments made about my bathroom, & on about my only having 3 people in my life; my children, my father & the MRS charity. I don't feel like that's the case at all. While it's true that I have ended up isolating myself from the friends I once had. I do socialise, via eg: exercize classes at the gym every week, also something called Core Arts & I (unfortunately) have 101 other appointments which keep me more than busy. So I'm not stuck at home all day rocking in some corner. Pfft!
Gosh! I do find I get nervous when a camera is pointed at my face, & I don't end up saying the things I ought to. I go all tongue tied infact. Eg: I was asked today (something like?) what would be difficult about decluttering my childrens room... I gave the most pathetic, stupid answer imaginable, about my children still needing the toys. Now, probably I should of said more about how their toys remind me of them & helps me to still feel close to my little kittens, but no, instead I said something STUPID! Blegh! *Bows head in shame*
What's really strange is the more I work with the tv production team, the more I'm finding myself looking forward to being a part of this documentary. I'm at least enjoying the process leading up to it. Now in my head, taking part in this will some how lead to better things for me & my children???? Where as before all I could think about was the shame & humiliation it would bring, everyone knowing how "disgusting" I am, living in more than what clearly presents itself as "worst than a pig sty". After all, who lives like this, right? Anyway, also, if I'm chosen for what I was told will be the "A Stories" then I will probably get much more specialised help & support for what's going on in that brain of mine, than I'm getting right now. But we'll see how it all pans out!
Today I feel very much like putting into action the plan I carry around with me in my head, to clear everything out of the living room. I feel a strong motivation to do it & more importantly that I CAN do it! I think it's from the positive encounter with the tv production guys. See! proves that more results can be achieved by using a carrot & not a stick approach. As was spoken about at the seminar.
On a more difficult & painful topic. My children mean the world to me & the biggest fear I have is us drifting apart/away from each other. So that when they grow up we will no longer have any kind of close, loving relationship/bond. I feel what's happening at the moment (with social services) is without a doubt going to lead to this. I'm not going to go into details but it is breaking my effing heart & hurting not just me but my children too.
After what I've been through, I often wonder what I would say or advise someone in similar circumstances. It would be difficult for me to recommend they come forward for help & treatment. To be then labelled a criminal, have their children removed, taken to court, threatened with eviction, humiliated infront of the neighbours, treated like filthy scum, to be pitied if they're lucky & outcasted if they're not. After all that I've experienced I'm surprised I'm still even standing.
No one chooses to live like this. It is a mental illness, no one choses to be ill. People with cancer don't choose to have cancer, or those with Aids don't choose to have Aids, people with Anorexia don't choose to be anorexic & hoarders don't choose to become hoarders. Maybe the right treatment, handing & approach will be set in place for those suffering from this illness in the future. Then again, they have to find what the right treatment is. Reading of only a 30% long term success rate with current treatment isn't encouraging at all.
This (working with outside help & them with hoarders) in many ways is about trust, sensitivity, dignity, respect, privacy & rights.
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Disorder's Life #21 - Meeting with the documentary guys
The "hoarding charity" came round today. Worked on decluttering for 2 hours, didn't feel as stressful as usual today. That said, I'm always happy when the 2 hours are up for the week because the process itself is mentally exhausting. Don't know how I'm going to cope when the hours increase to an expected 8 HOURS!!!
Met the tv production company that contacted me via this blog & facebook to take part in their documentary. First at the hoarding seminar where we then arranged to meet for an informal chat. I (stupidly?) pretty much spilled my guts (easily charmed is I!) & probably gave out too much personal info :-/. They're going to be coming to do abit of filming this or next week, to show their senior producer I think they said. Letting them into my house is going to be a big thing, so the main lady that I work with from the charity said she would come and stay with me while they're here. She's such a sweetheart.
I've decided that I probably will go ahead & take part in the documentary. So I just hope (possibly naively?) that what comes of it when the final edited version is shown will be what I have personally been told it will be.
Googled the the tv production company & found out abit more information & what the hoarding documentary is going to be called. I Don't exactly meet the criteria for what they're looking for: middle class hoarders - individuals with families at home, active social lives etc... While I on the other hand am rather more poverty stricken than middle class, don't have my family (ie my children) at home anymore, am single & my social life is seriously wanting.
Met the tv production company that contacted me via this blog & facebook to take part in their documentary. First at the hoarding seminar where we then arranged to meet for an informal chat. I (stupidly?) pretty much spilled my guts (easily charmed is I!) & probably gave out too much personal info :-/. They're going to be coming to do abit of filming this or next week, to show their senior producer I think they said. Letting them into my house is going to be a big thing, so the main lady that I work with from the charity said she would come and stay with me while they're here. She's such a sweetheart.
I've decided that I probably will go ahead & take part in the documentary. So I just hope (possibly naively?) that what comes of it when the final edited version is shown will be what I have personally been told it will be.
Googled the the tv production company & found out abit more information & what the hoarding documentary is going to be called. I Don't exactly meet the criteria for what they're looking for: middle class hoarders - individuals with families at home, active social lives etc... While I on the other hand am rather more poverty stricken than middle class, don't have my family (ie my children) at home anymore, am single & my social life is seriously wanting.
Monday 20 June 2011
Disorder's Life #20 - Public speaking, & possible options for treatment?
Was asked to speak at a Hoarding Seminar about my experience as a hoarder, how it's affected my life etc. Thought it was going to be easy peasy, after all, this illness has affected my life so drastically & dramatically, it has pretty much destroyed my life. But instead, as the days drew nearer, I became more wrecked with nerves & couldn't finish writing the speech I was preparing for, so backed out.
On the day itself I was however persuaded & did speak in the end, along side another very nice lady who also suffers from compulsive hoarding. Building up to it I was so overly anxious that I started manifesting nervous ticks & twitches, which I couldn't fully control no matter how hard I tried. I have no idea if anyone noticed though.
The very nice lady & myself were asked questions by one of the ladies from the the charitable organisation who has often worked with me on decluttering my home. Now, I don't consider myself the owner of a vast vocabulary, articulate or eloquent in any way. So I didn't feel like I did/explained myself very well, but others said otherwise. So I hope my contribution did have some kind of positive impact.
Been thinking today about what could really help me increase my chances of fully recovering from this illness & achieving normality. Reading somewhere online that 50% of compulsive hoarders can make a mild to moderate improvement makes me think that there must be more that can be done to help increase the rate & process of recover.
On the day itself I was however persuaded & did speak in the end, along side another very nice lady who also suffers from compulsive hoarding. Building up to it I was so overly anxious that I started manifesting nervous ticks & twitches, which I couldn't fully control no matter how hard I tried. I have no idea if anyone noticed though.
The very nice lady & myself were asked questions by one of the ladies from the the charitable organisation who has often worked with me on decluttering my home. Now, I don't consider myself the owner of a vast vocabulary, articulate or eloquent in any way. So I didn't feel like I did/explained myself very well, but others said otherwise. So I hope my contribution did have some kind of positive impact.
Been thinking today about what could really help me increase my chances of fully recovering from this illness & achieving normality. Reading somewhere online that 50% of compulsive hoarders can make a mild to moderate improvement makes me think that there must be more that can be done to help increase the rate & process of recover.
I was reading up on cognitive functioning & found some interesting information about how cognitive training in dyslexics (eg; Jungle Memory: http://theconference.ca/technology-and-the-brain) can actually allow them to catch up with their peers. So I was thinking after reading this, that hoarders have problems in their frontal cortex with (among other things) working memory & processing etc, and seeing that cognitive functioning can be trained to work normally, then it should be possible for something like that (eg of cognitive training: http://www.cogmed.com/) to be available along side Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for hoarders.
I don't think those offering treatment always look deep or wide enough into how to treat chronic hoarders. They're possibly stuck in a box & this probably limits the success in treating this condition/illness. I think it's not just how a compulsive hoarder thinks about things (emotional attachments etc, which CBT deals with) that's the problem, but the deficits & disruption in our ability to think clearly in the first place, ie; forgetfulness, foggy thinking, difficulties making decisions etc. Cognitive Training should improve these, which in turn I'm assuming should result in possible improvements in other areas of hoarding behaviour? ie; if you're not so worried about forgetting, you're more liking to put things away instead of always where you can see them.
If I were making some kind of care package it would be:
1) Practical hands on help decluttering (with a signed agreement & the hoarding person is in charge/director. Remembering to always treat with respect & dignity).
2) Group therapy (speaking to others like our selves).
3) CBT & CT.
4) Anti anxiety meds along with antidepressants.
I also think what would work for me is to just empty (NOT Blitz Clean!) out a room at a time & then work on cleaning & putting back what I want to keep. Whatever is left then can follow the rules in use with the hoarding charity, Which is:
1) Keep - use, wash, clean, store, repair.
2) Sell - ebay, donate, charity etc.
3) Throw - compost, recycle.
4) Maybe - temporarily store, consider at a later date.
If I were making some kind of care package it would be:
1) Practical hands on help decluttering (with a signed agreement & the hoarding person is in charge/director. Remembering to always treat with respect & dignity).
2) Group therapy (speaking to others like our selves).
3) CBT & CT.
4) Anti anxiety meds along with antidepressants.
I also think what would work for me is to just empty (NOT Blitz Clean!) out a room at a time & then work on cleaning & putting back what I want to keep. Whatever is left then can follow the rules in use with the hoarding charity, Which is:
1) Keep - use, wash, clean, store, repair.
2) Sell - ebay, donate, charity etc.
3) Throw - compost, recycle.
4) Maybe - temporarily store, consider at a later date.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Disorder's Life #19 - Decluttering, TV Documetaries & IQ tests
The charity came round today for the usual decluttering session. And after last weeks session I asked my psychologist to come too, so that there could be discussion about how to work in a manner that will achieve better results. I don't want to feel forced by them, or so afraid of them coming back into my home that instead of moving forward, all the hard work is unraveled & I end up going back to square one.
Was contacted via this blog & my Facebook page by a TV production company to take part in a documentary about hoarders. Not sure if it's something I want to publisized. Sure I write this blog & Youtubed (totally crappy video on my mobile/cell phone) my home, but these are all done anonymously, so I don't feel exposed. Now going on TV to air all my (literally) dirty laundry in public is a whole other matter.
Have been asked to speak at a Seminar about hoarding next Friday, it's feeling rather nerve wrecking now. I haven't even written a speech yet, made some bullet points to expand on but that's it.
Recently had to have an IQ test, it is related to the **** I'm having to go through over being a hoarder & my children. In that they're looking at me from all angles & trying to find a fault they can use against me before making a final decision. Anyway, the test I took was WAIS III. But before I talk about that, to show things in a clearer perspective, I should mention that when I was young, in my early teen (between 12-13) I was pretty much illiterate. I was then given a Stanford Binet test & all I can remember about that was having to make boxes/bricks into pictures on card, doing that very quickly & being told that I scored the level of a 16 year old! Then when I was in my early 20's I took a timed, supervised Mensa IQ (Cattell B) test & scored 139. Putting me in the 95th percentile & top 5% percent of the population.
Ok, so recently I was pretty much made to take an IQ test, I didn't want to take it because I could already feel a decline of my cognitive functioning. Which I personally blamed on possibly too much TV, using google instead of thinking & I suspect posible dyslexia? Considering how long it took me to learn to read as a child (though I was also neglected educationally by the teachers also, who just didn't bother with children like myself). Also my loss in ability is highly likely due to suffering from anxiety, depression & the hoarding. Because I felt my thinking become fuzzy/foggy when I was trying to recall/remember.
Something interesting I found out from my recent IQ test is that I scored high in Perceptual Organisation (90 something percentile), which is probably why I did so well on the Stanford Binet when I was a child. But that I scored low (though still within the normal average range) for Working Memory (I wonder if that's why I can never remember names?) & Processing Speed. This is probably related to why I've felt dumb all my life, my under achievements, poor academic performance & thus failures (also I have low self-efficacy). Again though I have to remind myself that I scored NORMAL for these areas. Losing my mother at a young age, coming from a deprived background, being I would say pretty much abandoned in so many ways & much more other things I sharn't go into here has probably resulted in a lack of motivation, confidence & high self-efficacy = poor performance.
So, I was looking up low working memory & Hoarding, as to me it seems that hoarding is very much related to low working memory & is in fact a way to compensate? I was looking at a website called Cogmed & feel it might actually offer an in part solution to compulsive hoarding behaviour by dealing with the deeper issues around working memory/cognitive functioning. Along with CBT I think the Cognitive Training or other mental exercises might help by/with dealing with the underlying issues around decision making?
Was contacted via this blog & my Facebook page by a TV production company to take part in a documentary about hoarders. Not sure if it's something I want to publisized. Sure I write this blog & Youtubed (totally crappy video on my mobile/cell phone) my home, but these are all done anonymously, so I don't feel exposed. Now going on TV to air all my (literally) dirty laundry in public is a whole other matter.
Have been asked to speak at a Seminar about hoarding next Friday, it's feeling rather nerve wrecking now. I haven't even written a speech yet, made some bullet points to expand on but that's it.
Recently had to have an IQ test, it is related to the **** I'm having to go through over being a hoarder & my children. In that they're looking at me from all angles & trying to find a fault they can use against me before making a final decision. Anyway, the test I took was WAIS III. But before I talk about that, to show things in a clearer perspective, I should mention that when I was young, in my early teen (between 12-13) I was pretty much illiterate. I was then given a Stanford Binet test & all I can remember about that was having to make boxes/bricks into pictures on card, doing that very quickly & being told that I scored the level of a 16 year old! Then when I was in my early 20's I took a timed, supervised Mensa IQ (Cattell B) test & scored 139. Putting me in the 95th percentile & top 5% percent of the population.
Ok, so recently I was pretty much made to take an IQ test, I didn't want to take it because I could already feel a decline of my cognitive functioning. Which I personally blamed on possibly too much TV, using google instead of thinking & I suspect posible dyslexia? Considering how long it took me to learn to read as a child (though I was also neglected educationally by the teachers also, who just didn't bother with children like myself). Also my loss in ability is highly likely due to suffering from anxiety, depression & the hoarding. Because I felt my thinking become fuzzy/foggy when I was trying to recall/remember.
Something interesting I found out from my recent IQ test is that I scored high in Perceptual Organisation (90 something percentile), which is probably why I did so well on the Stanford Binet when I was a child. But that I scored low (though still within the normal average range) for Working Memory (I wonder if that's why I can never remember names?) & Processing Speed. This is probably related to why I've felt dumb all my life, my under achievements, poor academic performance & thus failures (also I have low self-efficacy). Again though I have to remind myself that I scored NORMAL for these areas. Losing my mother at a young age, coming from a deprived background, being I would say pretty much abandoned in so many ways & much more other things I sharn't go into here has probably resulted in a lack of motivation, confidence & high self-efficacy = poor performance.
So, I was looking up low working memory & Hoarding, as to me it seems that hoarding is very much related to low working memory & is in fact a way to compensate? I was looking at a website called Cogmed & feel it might actually offer an in part solution to compulsive hoarding behaviour by dealing with the deeper issues around working memory/cognitive functioning. Along with CBT I think the Cognitive Training or other mental exercises might help by/with dealing with the underlying issues around decision making?
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Disorder's Life #18 - Aiming to achieve a working solution
After having such a horrible day yesterday with the decluttering charity, I'm dreading them coming back, I haven't felt this way since the first visit I had with them. Where I was left feeling powerless, out of control & being treated like a dumb child who can't make decisions for themselves.
I've been been thinking how to make it work better with them & have decided that I need some ground rules to be implemented.
1. No reading of any paper work. (this happened yesterday with one of my childrens diary's & some of my letters, I felt my privacy very invaded).
2. Run everything by me before throwing away. I would much rather be shown something & be able to make my own decisions about it.
3. Make suggestions about where things should go & how things could be done, but...
4. Accept my decision straight away when I wish to keep something. (There was alot of "coercion" that felt to the point of bullying to get rid of things I wasn't ready to part with yet, I felt very much forced!).
I've been been thinking how to make it work better with them & have decided that I need some ground rules to be implemented.
1. No reading of any paper work. (this happened yesterday with one of my childrens diary's & some of my letters, I felt my privacy very invaded).
2. Run everything by me before throwing away. I would much rather be shown something & be able to make my own decisions about it.
3. Make suggestions about where things should go & how things could be done, but...
4. Accept my decision straight away when I wish to keep something. (There was alot of "coercion" that felt to the point of bullying to get rid of things I wasn't ready to part with yet, I felt very much forced!).
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Disorder's Life #17 - Clearing the Living Room was hell this week
Today, being another one of my weekly sessions with the Charity that declutters homes of hoarders was a very hard day indeed. It had become a one on one job but this time 2 ladies where here & I felt under alot of pressure to get rid of things I wasn't quite ready for, an old shoe (useful with it's missing pair for using inside the house), packets of sweeteners, vitamin tablets, etc etc, felt very much like a battle of wills & that a falling out could of been on the brink, but i wasn't pushed too fat most of the time. I was left in a position where if I could I felt like I would ask for these sessions to stop. Unfortunately I can't do that because this all ties in with getting my children back so I have to just grin & bare it. If I don't do this I don't get my children back. I see a psychologist who works in partnership with the charity, so perhaps if I raise my concerns about being out of control, or having my control removed from me then maybe he will have a word with them about listening to me more & not imposing what they think is right on me.
Yesterday my self esteem was very high after seeing my psychiatrist & being told that she thought I was intelligent etc, while today now i felt like I was being treated like a child, being told what to do with things. It wasn't all like that, some things were no brainers & went, but when I came across things i wanted to keep that's when the battle ensued
Yesterday my self esteem was very high after seeing my psychiatrist & being told that she thought I was intelligent etc, while today now i felt like I was being treated like a child, being told what to do with things. It wasn't all like that, some things were no brainers & went, but when I came across things i wanted to keep that's when the battle ensued
Monday 9 May 2011
Disorder's Life #16 - Been a while
Haven't really been keeping up with this my blog of late. But I have however have been keeping, or attempting to keep on track/progress forward with the clean, clear & decluttering of my home. I think I will make a new recording soon of how my home currently looks, so that will be able to see the changes that have taken place since I my first video.
The charity M.R.S that helps me with the decluttering put me in touch with a lady I met before from a local short run (I think due to funding issues?) hoarding support group. I met up with her today, it was lovely to see her again, she's such a warm & compassionate lady. We talked about how our condition affects us & both agreed we think there's a link between hoarding a coming from a critical parental background. Also that hoarders tend in general to be highly intelligent people.
The intelligence aspect is especially relevant for me at the moment, as I'm going through some other stuff to which I don't usually refer to or mention, & have no wish to go into any great details today, to do with my children. That has others bringing into question my intelligence. This as you can imagine is deeply offensive & hurtful to me, and thank goodness I happened to take a supervised IQ test, held at a university with Mensa in the 1990's. I sadly did not get in to Mensa but I scored reasonably high, which infact put me in the top 5% of the population, which isn't too bad. I have recently contacted Mensa & they still have my test results on file, so I've asked them to send me my results in writing. For which I shall present to the certain parties in question.
I really hope I can manage this condition successfully. Part of the strategy of cognitive behavioural therapy is to take a step back from your emotions, question yourself about an item & expose yourself to & push past the pain of making decisions regarding it (immersion response therapy). This approach, though painful at first should then lead to less painful decision making & discarding in the future.
I really think some murijuanana... no... lol, some kind of anxiety drug would be quick helpful to me at this point & time. I've also learned that the best approach for me is to throw what I feel ready to throw, put in place or find a place for what I wish to keep, & remove out of the general area that which I wish to deal with later.
Sometimes I have to be told again what to do with things. When I'm faced with a pile of clothes on the table or sofa etc, I sometimes freeze, get stuck just looking at it, not knowing what to do next. It's good to recall & remember that I was told to put them with the washing. Otherwise my mind gets rediculasly complicated & starts sayings things like... sort the kids clothes into one pile, trousers into another, sort clothes by colour. Put clothes you're going to wear on top, keep them in sight. & so on & so forth till I completely overwelme myself & shut down. Sometimes I just want clear cut advice & suggestions about what to do with things I want to keep. Usually I'm getting clear cut advice to discard of things before I'm ready.
I'm being offered a 5 days decluttering of my home by my psychologist & the charity M.R.S. Now, this scares the hell out of me because I want to be in control of what goes & what stays. And I feel that if the suggested decluttering were to take place over the suggested 5 days, it will be more like a blitz clean with pressure to get rid of things on the spot, without due consideration, or morn their loss & come to terms with them leaving. I need to be a peace with whatever leaves or I will be preoccupied with their loss & traumatised from the experience.
Sometimes I feel like I don't exit when such decisions are made without me. I lose my sense of self.
The charity M.R.S that helps me with the decluttering put me in touch with a lady I met before from a local short run (I think due to funding issues?) hoarding support group. I met up with her today, it was lovely to see her again, she's such a warm & compassionate lady. We talked about how our condition affects us & both agreed we think there's a link between hoarding a coming from a critical parental background. Also that hoarders tend in general to be highly intelligent people.
The intelligence aspect is especially relevant for me at the moment, as I'm going through some other stuff to which I don't usually refer to or mention, & have no wish to go into any great details today, to do with my children. That has others bringing into question my intelligence. This as you can imagine is deeply offensive & hurtful to me, and thank goodness I happened to take a supervised IQ test, held at a university with Mensa in the 1990's. I sadly did not get in to Mensa but I scored reasonably high, which infact put me in the top 5% of the population, which isn't too bad. I have recently contacted Mensa & they still have my test results on file, so I've asked them to send me my results in writing. For which I shall present to the certain parties in question.
I really hope I can manage this condition successfully. Part of the strategy of cognitive behavioural therapy is to take a step back from your emotions, question yourself about an item & expose yourself to & push past the pain of making decisions regarding it (immersion response therapy). This approach, though painful at first should then lead to less painful decision making & discarding in the future.
I really think some murijuanana... no... lol, some kind of anxiety drug would be quick helpful to me at this point & time. I've also learned that the best approach for me is to throw what I feel ready to throw, put in place or find a place for what I wish to keep, & remove out of the general area that which I wish to deal with later.
Sometimes I have to be told again what to do with things. When I'm faced with a pile of clothes on the table or sofa etc, I sometimes freeze, get stuck just looking at it, not knowing what to do next. It's good to recall & remember that I was told to put them with the washing. Otherwise my mind gets rediculasly complicated & starts sayings things like... sort the kids clothes into one pile, trousers into another, sort clothes by colour. Put clothes you're going to wear on top, keep them in sight. & so on & so forth till I completely overwelme myself & shut down. Sometimes I just want clear cut advice & suggestions about what to do with things I want to keep. Usually I'm getting clear cut advice to discard of things before I'm ready.
I'm being offered a 5 days decluttering of my home by my psychologist & the charity M.R.S. Now, this scares the hell out of me because I want to be in control of what goes & what stays. And I feel that if the suggested decluttering were to take place over the suggested 5 days, it will be more like a blitz clean with pressure to get rid of things on the spot, without due consideration, or morn their loss & come to terms with them leaving. I need to be a peace with whatever leaves or I will be preoccupied with their loss & traumatised from the experience.
Sometimes I feel like I don't exit when such decisions are made without me. I lose my sense of self.
Thursday 17 March 2011
Tuesday 15 March 2011
Disorder's Life #15 - Psychologist at 2nd Decluttering
WOW! Today's 2 hrs decluttering session was a whole lot different from the first one of 2 weeks ago. first of I was taken aback to see that the psychologist (he had left a message which I hadn't got until after), who I haven't seen in the longest of times had turned up at my front door, just before the declutterers arrived. But, him being here really helped move things in the right direction. After the break of trust last time round I had felt fearful to let the declutterers back in.
I was dreading today & had determined that this time I was putting my foot down, that I was going to insist on organising only, & not just let them barge in & bin everything in sight. But amazingly & thankfully I didn't need to. This time round I didn't feel pushed to the side lines while my home was taken over stripped bare. I was instead properly consulted & considered in the decision making of everything that was to be thrown out, discussion was made as to where things should go & suggestions made without pressure. I was even able to leave for later things I wasn't sure about for now, I can not tell you what a relief it all was.
The psychologist approach seemed to help hold back the ravaging approaches of the declutterers, who I could tell just wanted to get on & go full steam ahead with things. Instead with the aid of the psychologist, the way the declutterers worked this time round helped make things easier & take some of the burden off by actually organising, moving things to there appropriate places for me, as appose to binning it all in the rubbish like last time.
To my surprise also the psychologist actually offered some practical help too, by doing such things as holding open bin bags, carrying one end of a large box of items, holding a door open & also a dust pan while I swept. It really was an amazing experience today compared to last time.
The whole mood was of a much more positive, jollier tone & there was alot of praising. Which at first just felt false & patronising, but later moved on to be rather reassuring, encouraging & enjoyable. I felt like the trust was now in some way back to being restored.
The psychologist stopped every so often to ask me to rate from 1 - 10 how I was feeling & to stand back & take a look at the progress, how well I was doing. Then I was asked to put into words there what I had actually down. Which today was work in the kitchen: clear the space on the floor next to the sink, clear the space on the floor next to the cupboards, removed a large box of items from in front of the door way, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, put dirty cutlery & crockery in the sink, swept up spilled bags of clean cat litter & recycled recyclable rubbish. Much more stuff too but can't recall it all right now.
Last time 2 weeks ago, after the first session of decluttering with just the guys from the decluttering charity, I was feeling very upset, unmotivated to continue & even slightly rebellious, in the sense that I wanted to actually mop up the surfaces cleared away but because of how it was done I just felt like I was gonna deliberately just leave it as was, & also that I didn't care what they think because of how I felt I was treated with utter disregard by them. But today I feeling much more positive & encouraged, like I do want to continue the work after they've left this time round, like it is worth while. I'm also feeling less emotional pain & anxiety when I think about organising things.
I was dreading today & had determined that this time I was putting my foot down, that I was going to insist on organising only, & not just let them barge in & bin everything in sight. But amazingly & thankfully I didn't need to. This time round I didn't feel pushed to the side lines while my home was taken over stripped bare. I was instead properly consulted & considered in the decision making of everything that was to be thrown out, discussion was made as to where things should go & suggestions made without pressure. I was even able to leave for later things I wasn't sure about for now, I can not tell you what a relief it all was.
The psychologist approach seemed to help hold back the ravaging approaches of the declutterers, who I could tell just wanted to get on & go full steam ahead with things. Instead with the aid of the psychologist, the way the declutterers worked this time round helped make things easier & take some of the burden off by actually organising, moving things to there appropriate places for me, as appose to binning it all in the rubbish like last time.
To my surprise also the psychologist actually offered some practical help too, by doing such things as holding open bin bags, carrying one end of a large box of items, holding a door open & also a dust pan while I swept. It really was an amazing experience today compared to last time.
The whole mood was of a much more positive, jollier tone & there was alot of praising. Which at first just felt false & patronising, but later moved on to be rather reassuring, encouraging & enjoyable. I felt like the trust was now in some way back to being restored.
The psychologist stopped every so often to ask me to rate from 1 - 10 how I was feeling & to stand back & take a look at the progress, how well I was doing. Then I was asked to put into words there what I had actually down. Which today was work in the kitchen: clear the space on the floor next to the sink, clear the space on the floor next to the cupboards, removed a large box of items from in front of the door way, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, put dirty cutlery & crockery in the sink, swept up spilled bags of clean cat litter & recycled recyclable rubbish. Much more stuff too but can't recall it all right now.
Last time 2 weeks ago, after the first session of decluttering with just the guys from the decluttering charity, I was feeling very upset, unmotivated to continue & even slightly rebellious, in the sense that I wanted to actually mop up the surfaces cleared away but because of how it was done I just felt like I was gonna deliberately just leave it as was, & also that I didn't care what they think because of how I felt I was treated with utter disregard by them. But today I feeling much more positive & encouraged, like I do want to continue the work after they've left this time round, like it is worth while. I'm also feeling less emotional pain & anxiety when I think about organising things.
Monday 14 March 2011
Disorder's Life #14 - Not too optimistic today
I'm feeling like there's no hope for me today. I just feel kinda empty, like there's this hole in my heart that nothing can fill or fix. I think it's probably because of everything I've been through over the years. Some people cut themselves when they're in this kind of pain, drink alcohol, do drugs. Me! I'm a binge eater. Well.. a hoarder & a binge eater. Maybe not dealing with my things, my home, is my way of dealing with life.
I've been trying to think of things to help me deal with clearing & cleaning this squalid mess I call home. I wanted move this certain box that's been in the way of my path to the kitchen but when I started I couldn't. So I thought today that if I reward myself, maybe that'll make me more able to do these things. Because I'd know there was something worthwhile at the end of it. Usually when I tidy something I don't feel anything much, expect worry about it returning to the way it was before ( & the thoughts of that means I can never touch it again or it will ruin all my hard work), & feelings of what's the point of tidying it then.
I will see though if rewarding myself will help me think differently about dealing with, tidying & clearing all the mess. I thought I could either treat myself to seeing a film/movie at the cinema, going to my favourite restaurant, buy my favourite hot chocolate powder (from Costa or Starbucks, Mmmm!), buy a new magazine, buy new clothes or shoes, go hair dressers, get my nails done, get my eyebrows threaded, get a make-up make over, get a massage, buy myself some jewellery, rings etc, go to the beach. Because at the end of the day it really is a case of how I think about all this mess, & I probably lack the same driving forces in my mind that others who don't let their place get into this kind of state do have. I need something to make me feel it's not painful & is worth doing.
I wonder if praising myself would help?? Or positive affirmations. I was reading about the Law of Attraction (or "the Secret"). Seems like something I'd like to try & put into practice. Also would like to try hypnotism too.
I've been trying to think of things to help me deal with clearing & cleaning this squalid mess I call home. I wanted move this certain box that's been in the way of my path to the kitchen but when I started I couldn't. So I thought today that if I reward myself, maybe that'll make me more able to do these things. Because I'd know there was something worthwhile at the end of it. Usually when I tidy something I don't feel anything much, expect worry about it returning to the way it was before ( & the thoughts of that means I can never touch it again or it will ruin all my hard work), & feelings of what's the point of tidying it then.
I will see though if rewarding myself will help me think differently about dealing with, tidying & clearing all the mess. I thought I could either treat myself to seeing a film/movie at the cinema, going to my favourite restaurant, buy my favourite hot chocolate powder (from Costa or Starbucks, Mmmm!), buy a new magazine, buy new clothes or shoes, go hair dressers, get my nails done, get my eyebrows threaded, get a make-up make over, get a massage, buy myself some jewellery, rings etc, go to the beach. Because at the end of the day it really is a case of how I think about all this mess, & I probably lack the same driving forces in my mind that others who don't let their place get into this kind of state do have. I need something to make me feel it's not painful & is worth doing.
I wonder if praising myself would help?? Or positive affirmations. I was reading about the Law of Attraction (or "the Secret"). Seems like something I'd like to try & put into practice. Also would like to try hypnotism too.
Sunday 13 March 2011
Disorder's Life #13
Travellling back home on the bus after spending the weekend at my father's home. Just drop my eldest off at the train station & now it's back to my home for me. Going home is stressfull for me right now because of the pressure I'm under to sort out my home. I rather just disapair for a bit just to escape my worries & troubles.
What I want to do is get a good nights sleep tonight & spend all day tomorrow cleaning up at least the whole of one room. This doesn't usually work out the way I want though so we'll see waht happens?
What I want to do is get a good nights sleep tonight & spend all day tomorrow cleaning up at least the whole of one room. This doesn't usually work out the way I want though so we'll see waht happens?
Friday 11 March 2011
Disorder's Life #12 - Weekend & worries.
Going to my father's for the weekend, which is the usual routine. As it's where I see my children, seeing as they can't come back to my home until it's in an acceptable state.
I'm starting to thinking I've been living under the delusion that I'm perfectly able to clear this place in the manner I wish on my own. But I have to accept that if it was really that simple for me I wouldn't have been stuck in this mess day after day worrying about how I'm going to dig my way out.
I'm totally dreading the declutterers from the charity coming on Tuesday. I just don't know if I can trust them now. I'm now expecting them to destroy & bin more of my things. And as last time I'm probably gonna stand there with weak & feeble attempts to reason with them about the approach they're using.
I'm starting to thinking I've been living under the delusion that I'm perfectly able to clear this place in the manner I wish on my own. But I have to accept that if it was really that simple for me I wouldn't have been stuck in this mess day after day worrying about how I'm going to dig my way out.
I'm totally dreading the declutterers from the charity coming on Tuesday. I just don't know if I can trust them now. I'm now expecting them to destroy & bin more of my things. And as last time I'm probably gonna stand there with weak & feeble attempts to reason with them about the approach they're using.
Wednesday 9 March 2011
Disorder's Life #11 - Frozen in my tracks
I noticed as I stared at a pile of clutter today thinking how am I gonna deal with this, that I actually need someone with me to talk me through where to put things. My brain just goes kinda fuzzy & overwhelmed with trying to make the simplest decisions about where things should go. Eg; I was looking at a camera today piled on top of a heap of clothes & letters etc. I was just staring at it thinking where should I put the camera, & even now still I don't know. I have a feeling of failure if I put it in the "wrong" place but can't think what is the right place?? in these situation I will usually just put it in a box or bag & leave it at one side for dealing with later. But that's no real plan either, for now I have piles of boxes & bags full of stuff that I couldn't decide where they should go. Things are piled up on my tables, sofa's & chairs for that same reason. All put aside for later because I couldn't make a decision there & then.
I need someone to organise or help me organise my home so that I have a sense where everything should go. To create order without throwing everything away.
Edit: Just watched a film called The Way Back. Not only did the title of the movie really speak to me, but the whole movie itself felt really inspiring & motivating too. The courage & resilients of the human spirit to make it back, through everything they went through, the hardships & the sufferings. They kept going. Just made me think if they came do that (& you know there are real people like that out there) then one way or another so can I. I CAN keep going, no matter how hard it feels/is, until this place is sorted out. Lets hope this feeling last! lol.
I need someone to organise or help me organise my home so that I have a sense where everything should go. To create order without throwing everything away.
Edit: Just watched a film called The Way Back. Not only did the title of the movie really speak to me, but the whole movie itself felt really inspiring & motivating too. The courage & resilients of the human spirit to make it back, through everything they went through, the hardships & the sufferings. They kept going. Just made me think if they came do that (& you know there are real people like that out there) then one way or another so can I. I CAN keep going, no matter how hard it feels/is, until this place is sorted out. Lets hope this feeling last! lol.
Tuesday 8 March 2011
Disorder's Life #11 - Housing Came.
The people from housing just came & left, they came about the flooding that happened last year. There were 3 of them, the housing officer, housing support worker & housing surveyor. The housing officer I've only met twice now & have never had any real dealings with him except to hear 2nd hand (from a organisation called Thames Reach) that he's the one pushing for my eviction, which is probably why he started taking pictures of my garden, for evidence! The support worker is ok, pretty good I guess, but the surveyor!!!
The fucking surveyor starts taking fucking pictures of everything every time that blood (Bleeeeep!) comes into my home. As someone who is extremely embarrassed about the state of my home you can just imagine how distressing this is, I'm left feeling so ashamed. And on top of that I'm being told by him that I'm going to be billed for the repairs he wants to do to my home. I CAN'T bloody afford it!!
When he first came & wanted to take pictures I asked him not to. He seemed fine about it (& what I thought) left. Then without any warning he came back with POLICE!!! I was feeling like WTF!! To this day I don't know why he did such a thing. If he even talked to me first about it, explained why he wanted to take photo's it would of made more sense. But to act like everything was ok, leave & then come back half an hour later with police! I was left gobbed smacked at this behaviour. Seeing police at my door I thought I was gonna be arrested for God knows what. Now when he turns up he doesn't even bother to ask or mention what he's upto, he just skulks off & starts snapping away on his camera. So considering his past & present behaviour, every time I see him I'm none too pleased.
Next week the charity that so called declutters & organises homes are coming back. I don't want them to, after their approach with me I no longer trust them. & I'm expecting them to again bin everything over, organising it. I don't want my property cleared out, I want it first & foremost, organised!
The fucking surveyor starts taking fucking pictures of everything every time that blood (Bleeeeep!) comes into my home. As someone who is extremely embarrassed about the state of my home you can just imagine how distressing this is, I'm left feeling so ashamed. And on top of that I'm being told by him that I'm going to be billed for the repairs he wants to do to my home. I CAN'T bloody afford it!!
When he first came & wanted to take pictures I asked him not to. He seemed fine about it (& what I thought) left. Then without any warning he came back with POLICE!!! I was feeling like WTF!! To this day I don't know why he did such a thing. If he even talked to me first about it, explained why he wanted to take photo's it would of made more sense. But to act like everything was ok, leave & then come back half an hour later with police! I was left gobbed smacked at this behaviour. Seeing police at my door I thought I was gonna be arrested for God knows what. Now when he turns up he doesn't even bother to ask or mention what he's upto, he just skulks off & starts snapping away on his camera. So considering his past & present behaviour, every time I see him I'm none too pleased.
Next week the charity that so called declutters & organises homes are coming back. I don't want them to, after their approach with me I no longer trust them. & I'm expecting them to again bin everything over, organising it. I don't want my property cleared out, I want it first & foremost, organised!
Sunday 6 March 2011
Disorder's Life #10 - Weekend with my children
Back home from spending the weekend at my father's with my children. Every weekend I go there to see my children. Neither I nor they live there, but they do not live with me either because of the state of my home. So my father's home is where I see them. Sometimes for the weekend or sometimes for longer, such as some of their school holidays.
It was last week that I spent 8 days at my father's home with my children because they were on half term holiday. It's not easy for me to talk about the situation I'm in with my children, it involves legal stuff & is very painful. I may feel more able to go more into everything that's happening in regards to my children at a later date. Like I've said already though, compulsive hoarding has ruined my life.
Being back doesn't bring any peace, it increases my anxiety infact, because of all the pressure I'm currently under to get my home sorted out. Pressure from housing, pressure from social services, pressure from working with the decluttering charity, who I feel are not using the right approach with me.
It was last week that I spent 8 days at my father's home with my children because they were on half term holiday. It's not easy for me to talk about the situation I'm in with my children, it involves legal stuff & is very painful. I may feel more able to go more into everything that's happening in regards to my children at a later date. Like I've said already though, compulsive hoarding has ruined my life.
Being back doesn't bring any peace, it increases my anxiety infact, because of all the pressure I'm currently under to get my home sorted out. Pressure from housing, pressure from social services, pressure from working with the decluttering charity, who I feel are not using the right approach with me.
Thursday 3 March 2011
Disorder's Life #9 - Reavaluating the charity's approach
After having some time to get over the experience of this Tuesday I've come to the conclusion that there has most probably been a miscommunication between the declutterers & myself. I sure they didn't mean to be what I perceived as insensitive etc or cause me the distress that then followed. They are a small organisation (charity) & only have 6 month experience in this (hoarding) area.
It probably would of been much better if the kind of approach that was used by the psychologist (some time ago) was used here in this situation. Unfortunately they (psychologist) offered advice & cognitive behavioural therapy but no actual practical, physical help. Even when they did the home visits it was a case of standing over me & guiding me with such questions as what to do with this & where to put that, but with NO actual practical hands on help. While the charity I'm now working with seems to work the over way round.
What was most disheartening was being forced to throw away things, actually not even forced, as much of it was being done without my knowledge or consent. I made the mistake of thinking that as had happened with the home visits from the psychologist, that I would be asked what I wanted to do with different things & that I wouldn't be forced to throw away anything until I was ready to. That it would go to one side to be dealt with later. I thought I would have the peace of mind in knowing that nothing would leave my house without my knowledge.
Anyway, blah blah blah I'm rambling, so I will leave it there for now.
It probably would of been much better if the kind of approach that was used by the psychologist (some time ago) was used here in this situation. Unfortunately they (psychologist) offered advice & cognitive behavioural therapy but no actual practical, physical help. Even when they did the home visits it was a case of standing over me & guiding me with such questions as what to do with this & where to put that, but with NO actual practical hands on help. While the charity I'm now working with seems to work the over way round.
What was most disheartening was being forced to throw away things, actually not even forced, as much of it was being done without my knowledge or consent. I made the mistake of thinking that as had happened with the home visits from the psychologist, that I would be asked what I wanted to do with different things & that I wouldn't be forced to throw away anything until I was ready to. That it would go to one side to be dealt with later. I thought I would have the peace of mind in knowing that nothing would leave my house without my knowledge.
Anyway, blah blah blah I'm rambling, so I will leave it there for now.
Wednesday 2 March 2011
Disorder's Life #8 - Still traumatised
I am still feeling traumatised by yesterday's events. It feels like there was a violation of my rights, in my own home. It feel like they that were meant to help me & listen to my wishes & concerns had their own agenda. To clear clear clear!
Like I said, if I wanted my home stripped bare I could of easily done that myself, but I didn't, I wanted help, cleaning, organising & sorting through things & I don't feel like I got that yesterday. It makes me think that maybe I should let it go to eviction! Can you believe that! I was so traumatised yesterday that I'm left thinking maybe let it go down the road of eviction, becuase at least then the whole court process would buy me some time to get the place sorted out on my OWN!
Whether I'd of been able to is another story, but I swear if I ever get out of this mess I'm in & am able to help other hoarders, I'm going to listen to them, what they really want & not what others want for them. People like me are not stupid, we can see our homes are in a mess, if we couldn't we would be inviting people round & not keeping it hidden. Many hoarders are perfectionist for goodness sakes, we want our homes to be in it's rightful order. Achieving that is what gets many like myself stuck.
Like I said, if I wanted my home stripped bare I could of easily done that myself, but I didn't, I wanted help, cleaning, organising & sorting through things & I don't feel like I got that yesterday. It makes me think that maybe I should let it go to eviction! Can you believe that! I was so traumatised yesterday that I'm left thinking maybe let it go down the road of eviction, becuase at least then the whole court process would buy me some time to get the place sorted out on my OWN!
Whether I'd of been able to is another story, but I swear if I ever get out of this mess I'm in & am able to help other hoarders, I'm going to listen to them, what they really want & not what others want for them. People like me are not stupid, we can see our homes are in a mess, if we couldn't we would be inviting people round & not keeping it hidden. Many hoarders are perfectionist for goodness sakes, we want our homes to be in it's rightful order. Achieving that is what gets many like myself stuck.
Tuesday 1 March 2011
Disorder's Life #7 - I think I just got BLITZ CLEANED!!!!
Oh My God! The decluttering!! it was awful, so very awful. It was 2 hours of TORTURE! It felt like AND amounted to what I always feared a BLITZ CLEAN would be like, which was the very reason I chose to go with this charity over a blitz clean in the first place. I've seem a blitz clean being carried out before, they liturally strip your home bare! & these guys did a pretty good job of that too!
And as I feared, they DIDN'T know what was rubbish & what was not. Not only was my front door left WIDE open for all and sundry to see my shame, but one of the declutterers actually decided to put on their protective overalls just OUTSIDE my front door too.
All the things I stored on the stairs for safe keeping, until I could sort through them were just thrown away!! Love letters from my past was discarded as useless bits of paper, paperwork from college days, my childhood things, sentimental things of my children's were all just dumped into a rubbish bin bag. Other things were emptied out of their boxes that kept them safe & clean and the boxes thrown away.
Oh God! it was so awful I can't explain. If I didn't have this to turn to, to get it all off my chest I don't know what I would be doing right now. Huddled up in a corner crying my eyes out no doubt. I was holding back the tears & praying that they would just leave.
I was kinda optimistic about the charity coming today. I thought I would have more say & control over my things. I thought they would sit with me & go through things that I wanted to keep & those that I wanted to get rid of. But it wasn't like that at all. They decided what was to stay & go, & pretty much chucked everything in sight, especially the 2nd declutterer who was very trigger happy (wrong expression I'm sure) with anything that crossed her path & indiscriminately binned most everything there was.
Occasionally something was deemed not complete rubbish & I was then handed the odd box or bag to sort through. In the end I couldn't watch anymore & stayed down stairs most of the time, so God know's what I've actually lost??? Decluttering a hoarders house shouldn't be about grabbing everything in sight & binning it!! If that's what I wanted I could of achieved the same results in 2 hours myself.
I don't want them to come back, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm so stuck in this impossible situation, where I'm doomed if I do & doomed if I don't. It really wasn't the kind of help I was expecting & it's not the kind of help I wanted. Yet I have to accept it because so much relies on it. My children coming back to me, & avoiding threats of possible eviction. I should be greatful that someone is giving actual practical help but the wound inflicted from what felt like more or less blatant disregard today is still all too fresh.
If I was rich (*"Yubby dibby dibby diibby dibby dibby dibby dum!"*) I'd hire a team of cleaners & set out the criteria that they should stick to & if they didn't they'd be out! But I'm not rich, nor (after making several attempts to explain why the things on the stairs was there & why they weren't rubbish & as such should not be chucked) do I feel in a position to achieve such results. I was pretty much reminded that the place "has" to be cleared & to be strong etc etc.
I think when people see things covered in dirt & grime they automatically think rubbish, bin it. While I on the other hand know for a fact that a bit of soap & water can do wonders. There's also the misconception that if you have a whole load of things piling up that not only must that means it's rubbish but also that there's no room for it & thus is it too has to be binned. While i know alot of thing things thrown out of my place today did have a place (in the kitchen, bathroom, whatever) & I would of much rather been given the option to place them there rather.
I think I lost 85% - 90% of my things stored on the stairs. Like I said some bags & boxes were handed to me, but not nearly enough. & the whole goal seemed to be clear the space rather than what I was expecting of sort & organise the things. Again I cannot stress how awful it was for me.
I hope tomorrow (or even in a few more hours) I will be feeling better & less upset about everything that happened today. Now I'm off to eat some chocolate as I need something to make me feel better. Yes! I comfort eat & am thus over weight.
And as I feared, they DIDN'T know what was rubbish & what was not. Not only was my front door left WIDE open for all and sundry to see my shame, but one of the declutterers actually decided to put on their protective overalls just OUTSIDE my front door too.
All the things I stored on the stairs for safe keeping, until I could sort through them were just thrown away!! Love letters from my past was discarded as useless bits of paper, paperwork from college days, my childhood things, sentimental things of my children's were all just dumped into a rubbish bin bag. Other things were emptied out of their boxes that kept them safe & clean and the boxes thrown away.
Oh God! it was so awful I can't explain. If I didn't have this to turn to, to get it all off my chest I don't know what I would be doing right now. Huddled up in a corner crying my eyes out no doubt. I was holding back the tears & praying that they would just leave.
I was kinda optimistic about the charity coming today. I thought I would have more say & control over my things. I thought they would sit with me & go through things that I wanted to keep & those that I wanted to get rid of. But it wasn't like that at all. They decided what was to stay & go, & pretty much chucked everything in sight, especially the 2nd declutterer who was very trigger happy (wrong expression I'm sure) with anything that crossed her path & indiscriminately binned most everything there was.
Occasionally something was deemed not complete rubbish & I was then handed the odd box or bag to sort through. In the end I couldn't watch anymore & stayed down stairs most of the time, so God know's what I've actually lost??? Decluttering a hoarders house shouldn't be about grabbing everything in sight & binning it!! If that's what I wanted I could of achieved the same results in 2 hours myself.
I don't want them to come back, but I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm so stuck in this impossible situation, where I'm doomed if I do & doomed if I don't. It really wasn't the kind of help I was expecting & it's not the kind of help I wanted. Yet I have to accept it because so much relies on it. My children coming back to me, & avoiding threats of possible eviction. I should be greatful that someone is giving actual practical help but the wound inflicted from what felt like more or less blatant disregard today is still all too fresh.
If I was rich (*"Yubby dibby dibby diibby dibby dibby dibby dum!"*) I'd hire a team of cleaners & set out the criteria that they should stick to & if they didn't they'd be out! But I'm not rich, nor (after making several attempts to explain why the things on the stairs was there & why they weren't rubbish & as such should not be chucked) do I feel in a position to achieve such results. I was pretty much reminded that the place "has" to be cleared & to be strong etc etc.
I think when people see things covered in dirt & grime they automatically think rubbish, bin it. While I on the other hand know for a fact that a bit of soap & water can do wonders. There's also the misconception that if you have a whole load of things piling up that not only must that means it's rubbish but also that there's no room for it & thus is it too has to be binned. While i know alot of thing things thrown out of my place today did have a place (in the kitchen, bathroom, whatever) & I would of much rather been given the option to place them there rather.
I think I lost 85% - 90% of my things stored on the stairs. Like I said some bags & boxes were handed to me, but not nearly enough. & the whole goal seemed to be clear the space rather than what I was expecting of sort & organise the things. Again I cannot stress how awful it was for me.
I hope tomorrow (or even in a few more hours) I will be feeling better & less upset about everything that happened today. Now I'm off to eat some chocolate as I need something to make me feel better. Yes! I comfort eat & am thus over weight.
Monday 28 February 2011
Disorder's Life #6
Well, seems I got the days wrong. After spending a restless night tossing & turninng & unable to get a good nights sleep, turns out that it wasn't this morning that the decluttering charity guys were due to come but tomorrow morning!! So now I'll probably have another resless night of tossing & turning to look forward too, great huh! *sighs!*.
Sunday 27 February 2011
Disorder's Life #5
Back home & alone again after spending the week at my father's home with my 3 children. They're living else where but I get to see them at least every weekend in my father's home. And there's hope that if I do get my place back to how it should be my children can return home to me.
Tomorrow the people from the charity that helps declutter, cleans & organise homes like mine are coming round, in the morning. To say I'm feeling nervous, anxious & afraid would be an understatement. I don't know if they know what is "rubbish" & I'm sure they're thinking the same thing about me lol.
I know I can get my home back with help, but it depends what kind of help that is. Chucking all my things out is not what I would call help, sifting through it all on the other hand is. In the past the kind of help I was offered amounted to ditching your possession as trash & starting from scratch, also known as a "Blitz Clean". I couldn't do that, infact I'm pretty darn sure that for me this approach would probably have been more likely to increase the hoarding behaviour. It would of at least traumatised & damaged me psychologically.
I'm off to bed now with a sleeping pill so that I can at least try to be as well rested as possible for tomorrow.
Tomorrow the people from the charity that helps declutter, cleans & organise homes like mine are coming round, in the morning. To say I'm feeling nervous, anxious & afraid would be an understatement. I don't know if they know what is "rubbish" & I'm sure they're thinking the same thing about me lol.
I know I can get my home back with help, but it depends what kind of help that is. Chucking all my things out is not what I would call help, sifting through it all on the other hand is. In the past the kind of help I was offered amounted to ditching your possession as trash & starting from scratch, also known as a "Blitz Clean". I couldn't do that, infact I'm pretty darn sure that for me this approach would probably have been more likely to increase the hoarding behaviour. It would of at least traumatised & damaged me psychologically.
I'm off to bed now with a sleeping pill so that I can at least try to be as well rested as possible for tomorrow.
Saturday 19 February 2011
Disorder's Life #4
At my father's for the week with my children. They're on half term holiday but are not allowed to live with me because of the state of my home, so when I see them it's always at my dad's place.
I would go into it more but it's (them being away from me) not an easy thing to talk about. It has been & still is a very painful experience/situation for me. I can't even imagine what it must be like for my children. I have alot more to say but....
Man, I hope this will be a situation (not detailed) in the future that I and my girls can all look back on & say it helped our family & not destroyed it.
I would go into it more but it's (them being away from me) not an easy thing to talk about. It has been & still is a very painful experience/situation for me. I can't even imagine what it must be like for my children. I have alot more to say but....
Man, I hope this will be a situation (not detailed) in the future that I and my girls can all look back on & say it helped our family & not destroyed it.
Thursday 17 February 2011
Disorder's life #3
Had an appointment this afternoon with an organisation called Thames Reach, My housing's KiT service & a charity called Mobile Repairs Service. I had felt quite bullied on the first visit I had with the allocated support worker from Thames Reach, so on the 2nd visit I asked for the support worker from the mental health service (as I have OCD, depression & anxiety) to be present.
Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel???
Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel???
Wednesday 16 February 2011
Disorder's life #2
Yesterday my closes friend, the only friend who knows about the state of my house came round, I had asked them if they might be able to help me abit & they were kindly willing. I had many reasons for not asking them before now if they could help.
1. They have physical health problems for which are classed as disabled.
2. I never have visitors (as you can imagine hoarding is an intensely embarrassing & humiliation problem) & it was only over the last few months (after they spent months pestering me about it) I felt trusting enough to let them in my home. The first couple of times I led them (oh the shame of it!) eyes closed to a room I felt was not as bad as the rest of the house. They tolerated that request quite well but never lets me forget it, lol!
When they came & saw the full extent of my hoarding yesterday they were so good about it. I was hyper sensitive, watching their every reaction & feeling intensely embarrassed. But they seemed very understanding, empathetic & unjudgemental.
When we started the tidying I found myself having to stop many many times because I started to feel very anxious & overwhelmed, especially when I saw them touching things to throw away. We agreed that they would show me first before throwing something away but I was still on high alert anyway, watching their every move from my peripherals, & then I saw it! them try to make a few decisions of their own,for eg; they were about to throw away a sock! I know, it's just a sock, but it has a pair & once found & washed can continue it's purpose to be worn.
Anyway, when I just had to stop, they were abit pushy & didn't understand why we had to keep stopping & starting. But, they didn't really get fed up or at least they didn't show it lol, & in the end we decided that it was better if they just hold the bin bag while I put stuff into it. This small thing really really helped.
I lasted 2 hours because I had to stop for the day, they didn't think we had accomplished much & wanted to keep on going but I couldn't. I felt we did quite good considering the emotional/psychological state I'm thrown into with this.
Today I think I might be able to continue the work I started with my friend yesterday. I will at least try & see how I go. I'm thinking I will have/need about 4 bin bags: 1) Rubbish, 2) Clothes, 3) Letters, 4) Toys. I'm not making any firm decisions right now that yep I'm gonna just do it today, less the pressure I put myself under causes me to crash & burn.
The main thing I know is I can't push myself too much. My perfectionist personality causes me to over examine & analyse things alittle too much, until I'm at the point of not even being able to move for fear of making the wrong decision. I read somewhere there's some frontal lobe decision making mechanism playing up here in hoarders.
1. They have physical health problems for which are classed as disabled.
2. I never have visitors (as you can imagine hoarding is an intensely embarrassing & humiliation problem) & it was only over the last few months (after they spent months pestering me about it) I felt trusting enough to let them in my home. The first couple of times I led them (oh the shame of it!) eyes closed to a room I felt was not as bad as the rest of the house. They tolerated that request quite well but never lets me forget it, lol!
When they came & saw the full extent of my hoarding yesterday they were so good about it. I was hyper sensitive, watching their every reaction & feeling intensely embarrassed. But they seemed very understanding, empathetic & unjudgemental.
When we started the tidying I found myself having to stop many many times because I started to feel very anxious & overwhelmed, especially when I saw them touching things to throw away. We agreed that they would show me first before throwing something away but I was still on high alert anyway, watching their every move from my peripherals, & then I saw it! them try to make a few decisions of their own,for eg; they were about to throw away a sock! I know, it's just a sock, but it has a pair & once found & washed can continue it's purpose to be worn.
Anyway, when I just had to stop, they were abit pushy & didn't understand why we had to keep stopping & starting. But, they didn't really get fed up or at least they didn't show it lol, & in the end we decided that it was better if they just hold the bin bag while I put stuff into it. This small thing really really helped.
I lasted 2 hours because I had to stop for the day, they didn't think we had accomplished much & wanted to keep on going but I couldn't. I felt we did quite good considering the emotional/psychological state I'm thrown into with this.
Today I think I might be able to continue the work I started with my friend yesterday. I will at least try & see how I go. I'm thinking I will have/need about 4 bin bags: 1) Rubbish, 2) Clothes, 3) Letters, 4) Toys. I'm not making any firm decisions right now that yep I'm gonna just do it today, less the pressure I put myself under causes me to crash & burn.
The main thing I know is I can't push myself too much. My perfectionist personality causes me to over examine & analyse things alittle too much, until I'm at the point of not even being able to move for fear of making the wrong decision. I read somewhere there's some frontal lobe decision making mechanism playing up here in hoarders.
Tuesday 15 February 2011
Disorder's Life
Trying to get past the mental block that hinders me from clearing up the clutter & mess of my home. Every time I think about or even make a move to sort this place out a heaviness comes over me, pressing down on me like a big leaded blanket. It's crippling!
I over analyse things in attempt & a strive for perfection. What am I left with at the end of it? Anything but perfection, infact something worst than if I just went ahead with it and did! without thinking.
I've noticed that I need someone with me to clear this place up, when I do it on my own there is no feed back, so I don't feel any accomplishment, though I'm thinking if I reward myself with something i really want then that might give me the boost I need.
Worst still I've had people take one look at my efforts & ASSUME that NOTHING has been done. This leaves me feeling deflated, like well what was the point of all that hard work if no one can even tell.
The current situation (involving my family life & housing) I'm in I'm getting ALOT of misconceptions & assumption made about me, "they" are assuming that I don't want to change, that I don't want to make an effort to change, that I don't want to work with anyone to enable change. While in reality I always got so excited & felt a sense of relief when someone wanted to engage with finding help. But then they would inevitably ask "how can we help you?" WTF!
I would so like to work with experienced experts in this condition so I am not forced to try & think up my own answers & cures to my problem.
I want someone to work WITH me, not over me (forcing, supervising, manipulating) or around me (so called Blitz clean). I want someone to help me achieve the goals I have in my mind, of a clean, ordered house. I want someone to listen to me, really listen, without jumping to conclusions & making assumptions.
I want to help other people like myself achieve the goals they had in mind that ended up making them have a hoarded house in the first place. People save things because they want to make use of it!
I over analyse things in attempt & a strive for perfection. What am I left with at the end of it? Anything but perfection, infact something worst than if I just went ahead with it and did! without thinking.
I've noticed that I need someone with me to clear this place up, when I do it on my own there is no feed back, so I don't feel any accomplishment, though I'm thinking if I reward myself with something i really want then that might give me the boost I need.
Worst still I've had people take one look at my efforts & ASSUME that NOTHING has been done. This leaves me feeling deflated, like well what was the point of all that hard work if no one can even tell.
The current situation (involving my family life & housing) I'm in I'm getting ALOT of misconceptions & assumption made about me, "they" are assuming that I don't want to change, that I don't want to make an effort to change, that I don't want to work with anyone to enable change. While in reality I always got so excited & felt a sense of relief when someone wanted to engage with finding help. But then they would inevitably ask "how can we help you?" WTF!
I would so like to work with experienced experts in this condition so I am not forced to try & think up my own answers & cures to my problem.
I want someone to work WITH me, not over me (forcing, supervising, manipulating) or around me (so called Blitz clean). I want someone to help me achieve the goals I have in my mind, of a clean, ordered house. I want someone to listen to me, really listen, without jumping to conclusions & making assumptions.
I want to help other people like myself achieve the goals they had in mind that ended up making them have a hoarded house in the first place. People save things because they want to make use of it!
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