After having such a horrible day yesterday with the decluttering charity, I'm dreading them coming back, I haven't felt this way since the first visit I had with them. Where I was left feeling powerless, out of control & being treated like a dumb child who can't make decisions for themselves.
I've been been thinking how to make it work better with them & have decided that I need some ground rules to be implemented.
1. No reading of any paper work. (this happened yesterday with one of my childrens diary's & some of my letters, I felt my privacy very invaded).
2. Run everything by me before throwing away. I would much rather be shown something & be able to make my own decisions about it.
3. Make suggestions about where things should go & how things could be done, but...
4. Accept my decision straight away when I wish to keep something. (There was alot of "coercion" that felt to the point of bullying to get rid of things I wasn't ready to part with yet, I felt very much forced!).
Wednesday 25 May 2011
Tuesday 24 May 2011
Disorder's Life #17 - Clearing the Living Room was hell this week
Today, being another one of my weekly sessions with the Charity that declutters homes of hoarders was a very hard day indeed. It had become a one on one job but this time 2 ladies where here & I felt under alot of pressure to get rid of things I wasn't quite ready for, an old shoe (useful with it's missing pair for using inside the house), packets of sweeteners, vitamin tablets, etc etc, felt very much like a battle of wills & that a falling out could of been on the brink, but i wasn't pushed too fat most of the time. I was left in a position where if I could I felt like I would ask for these sessions to stop. Unfortunately I can't do that because this all ties in with getting my children back so I have to just grin & bare it. If I don't do this I don't get my children back. I see a psychologist who works in partnership with the charity, so perhaps if I raise my concerns about being out of control, or having my control removed from me then maybe he will have a word with them about listening to me more & not imposing what they think is right on me.
Yesterday my self esteem was very high after seeing my psychiatrist & being told that she thought I was intelligent etc, while today now i felt like I was being treated like a child, being told what to do with things. It wasn't all like that, some things were no brainers & went, but when I came across things i wanted to keep that's when the battle ensued
Yesterday my self esteem was very high after seeing my psychiatrist & being told that she thought I was intelligent etc, while today now i felt like I was being treated like a child, being told what to do with things. It wasn't all like that, some things were no brainers & went, but when I came across things i wanted to keep that's when the battle ensued
Monday 9 May 2011
Disorder's Life #16 - Been a while
Haven't really been keeping up with this my blog of late. But I have however have been keeping, or attempting to keep on track/progress forward with the clean, clear & decluttering of my home. I think I will make a new recording soon of how my home currently looks, so that will be able to see the changes that have taken place since I my first video.
The charity M.R.S that helps me with the decluttering put me in touch with a lady I met before from a local short run (I think due to funding issues?) hoarding support group. I met up with her today, it was lovely to see her again, she's such a warm & compassionate lady. We talked about how our condition affects us & both agreed we think there's a link between hoarding a coming from a critical parental background. Also that hoarders tend in general to be highly intelligent people.
The intelligence aspect is especially relevant for me at the moment, as I'm going through some other stuff to which I don't usually refer to or mention, & have no wish to go into any great details today, to do with my children. That has others bringing into question my intelligence. This as you can imagine is deeply offensive & hurtful to me, and thank goodness I happened to take a supervised IQ test, held at a university with Mensa in the 1990's. I sadly did not get in to Mensa but I scored reasonably high, which infact put me in the top 5% of the population, which isn't too bad. I have recently contacted Mensa & they still have my test results on file, so I've asked them to send me my results in writing. For which I shall present to the certain parties in question.
I really hope I can manage this condition successfully. Part of the strategy of cognitive behavioural therapy is to take a step back from your emotions, question yourself about an item & expose yourself to & push past the pain of making decisions regarding it (immersion response therapy). This approach, though painful at first should then lead to less painful decision making & discarding in the future.
I really think some murijuanana... no... lol, some kind of anxiety drug would be quick helpful to me at this point & time. I've also learned that the best approach for me is to throw what I feel ready to throw, put in place or find a place for what I wish to keep, & remove out of the general area that which I wish to deal with later.
Sometimes I have to be told again what to do with things. When I'm faced with a pile of clothes on the table or sofa etc, I sometimes freeze, get stuck just looking at it, not knowing what to do next. It's good to recall & remember that I was told to put them with the washing. Otherwise my mind gets rediculasly complicated & starts sayings things like... sort the kids clothes into one pile, trousers into another, sort clothes by colour. Put clothes you're going to wear on top, keep them in sight. & so on & so forth till I completely overwelme myself & shut down. Sometimes I just want clear cut advice & suggestions about what to do with things I want to keep. Usually I'm getting clear cut advice to discard of things before I'm ready.
I'm being offered a 5 days decluttering of my home by my psychologist & the charity M.R.S. Now, this scares the hell out of me because I want to be in control of what goes & what stays. And I feel that if the suggested decluttering were to take place over the suggested 5 days, it will be more like a blitz clean with pressure to get rid of things on the spot, without due consideration, or morn their loss & come to terms with them leaving. I need to be a peace with whatever leaves or I will be preoccupied with their loss & traumatised from the experience.
Sometimes I feel like I don't exit when such decisions are made without me. I lose my sense of self.
The charity M.R.S that helps me with the decluttering put me in touch with a lady I met before from a local short run (I think due to funding issues?) hoarding support group. I met up with her today, it was lovely to see her again, she's such a warm & compassionate lady. We talked about how our condition affects us & both agreed we think there's a link between hoarding a coming from a critical parental background. Also that hoarders tend in general to be highly intelligent people.
The intelligence aspect is especially relevant for me at the moment, as I'm going through some other stuff to which I don't usually refer to or mention, & have no wish to go into any great details today, to do with my children. That has others bringing into question my intelligence. This as you can imagine is deeply offensive & hurtful to me, and thank goodness I happened to take a supervised IQ test, held at a university with Mensa in the 1990's. I sadly did not get in to Mensa but I scored reasonably high, which infact put me in the top 5% of the population, which isn't too bad. I have recently contacted Mensa & they still have my test results on file, so I've asked them to send me my results in writing. For which I shall present to the certain parties in question.
I really hope I can manage this condition successfully. Part of the strategy of cognitive behavioural therapy is to take a step back from your emotions, question yourself about an item & expose yourself to & push past the pain of making decisions regarding it (immersion response therapy). This approach, though painful at first should then lead to less painful decision making & discarding in the future.
I really think some murijuanana... no... lol, some kind of anxiety drug would be quick helpful to me at this point & time. I've also learned that the best approach for me is to throw what I feel ready to throw, put in place or find a place for what I wish to keep, & remove out of the general area that which I wish to deal with later.
Sometimes I have to be told again what to do with things. When I'm faced with a pile of clothes on the table or sofa etc, I sometimes freeze, get stuck just looking at it, not knowing what to do next. It's good to recall & remember that I was told to put them with the washing. Otherwise my mind gets rediculasly complicated & starts sayings things like... sort the kids clothes into one pile, trousers into another, sort clothes by colour. Put clothes you're going to wear on top, keep them in sight. & so on & so forth till I completely overwelme myself & shut down. Sometimes I just want clear cut advice & suggestions about what to do with things I want to keep. Usually I'm getting clear cut advice to discard of things before I'm ready.
I'm being offered a 5 days decluttering of my home by my psychologist & the charity M.R.S. Now, this scares the hell out of me because I want to be in control of what goes & what stays. And I feel that if the suggested decluttering were to take place over the suggested 5 days, it will be more like a blitz clean with pressure to get rid of things on the spot, without due consideration, or morn their loss & come to terms with them leaving. I need to be a peace with whatever leaves or I will be preoccupied with their loss & traumatised from the experience.
Sometimes I feel like I don't exit when such decisions are made without me. I lose my sense of self.
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