Wow! interesting day. The guys from TV production company came round today. They spoke with me abit about my home & then we did a walk through were they filmed & I just spoke about each room as we went. Really interesting experience. I didn't feel half as humiliated or ashamed as I thought I would. I think that is thanks to getting to know them abit before hand first, from our meeting last week & also down to their sensitivity of the subject.
I asked? accepted the suggestion of the main lady I work with to declutter my home, from the charitable organisation to come along when the TV production company guys came, as a kind of advocate for me. What a big mistake! I felt like she painted me as an overly vulnerable case, about to probably have a nervous breakdown at any minute, ugh! Now don't get me wrong, considering what I've been through over the last few years & am still going through at the moment, I am indeed vulnerable! But really! did she have to portray me in what I consider was such an exaggerated, negative manner, honestly!
She was suppose to be here as a friend, to help me keep my privacy intact. instead I ended up feeling more vulnerable & exposed, as she gave out personal information without my consent. Such as comments made about my bathroom, & on about my only having 3 people in my life; my children, my father & the MRS charity. I don't feel like that's the case at all. While it's true that I have ended up isolating myself from the friends I once had. I do socialise, via eg: exercize classes at the gym every week, also something called Core Arts & I (unfortunately) have 101 other appointments which keep me more than busy. So I'm not stuck at home all day rocking in some corner. Pfft!
Gosh! I do find I get nervous when a camera is pointed at my face, & I don't end up saying the things I ought to. I go all tongue tied infact. Eg: I was asked today (something like?) what would be difficult about decluttering my childrens room... I gave the most pathetic, stupid answer imaginable, about my children still needing the toys. Now, probably I should of said more about how their toys remind me of them & helps me to still feel close to my little kittens, but no, instead I said something STUPID! Blegh! *Bows head in shame*
What's really strange is the more I work with the tv production team, the more I'm finding myself looking forward to being a part of this documentary. I'm at least enjoying the process leading up to it. Now in my head, taking part in this will some how lead to better things for me & my children???? Where as before all I could think about was the shame & humiliation it would bring, everyone knowing how "disgusting" I am, living in more than what clearly presents itself as "worst than a pig sty". After all, who lives like this, right? Anyway, also, if I'm chosen for what I was told will be the "A Stories" then I will probably get much more specialised help & support for what's going on in that brain of mine, than I'm getting right now. But we'll see how it all pans out!
Today I feel very much like putting into action the plan I carry around with me in my head, to clear everything out of the living room. I feel a strong motivation to do it & more importantly that I CAN do it! I think it's from the positive encounter with the tv production guys. See! proves that more results can be achieved by using a carrot & not a stick approach. As was spoken about at the seminar.
On a more difficult & painful topic. My children mean the world to me & the biggest fear I have is us drifting apart/away from each other. So that when they grow up we will no longer have any kind of close, loving relationship/bond. I feel what's happening at the moment (with social services) is without a doubt going to lead to this. I'm not going to go into details but it is breaking my effing heart & hurting not just me but my children too.
After what I've been through, I often wonder what I would say or advise someone in similar circumstances. It would be difficult for me to recommend they come forward for help & treatment. To be then labelled a criminal, have their children removed, taken to court, threatened with eviction, humiliated infront of the neighbours, treated like filthy scum, to be pitied if they're lucky & outcasted if they're not. After all that I've experienced I'm surprised I'm still even standing.
No one chooses to live like this. It is a mental illness, no one choses to be ill. People with cancer don't choose to have cancer, or those with Aids don't choose to have Aids, people with Anorexia don't choose to be anorexic & hoarders don't choose to become hoarders. Maybe the right treatment, handing & approach will be set in place for those suffering from this illness in the future. Then again, they have to find what the right treatment is. Reading of only a 30% long term success rate with current treatment isn't encouraging at all.
This (working with outside help & them with hoarders) in many ways is about trust, sensitivity, dignity, respect, privacy & rights.
Monday 27 June 2011
Tuesday 21 June 2011
Disorder's Life #21 - Meeting with the documentary guys
The "hoarding charity" came round today. Worked on decluttering for 2 hours, didn't feel as stressful as usual today. That said, I'm always happy when the 2 hours are up for the week because the process itself is mentally exhausting. Don't know how I'm going to cope when the hours increase to an expected 8 HOURS!!!
Met the tv production company that contacted me via this blog & facebook to take part in their documentary. First at the hoarding seminar where we then arranged to meet for an informal chat. I (stupidly?) pretty much spilled my guts (easily charmed is I!) & probably gave out too much personal info :-/. They're going to be coming to do abit of filming this or next week, to show their senior producer I think they said. Letting them into my house is going to be a big thing, so the main lady that I work with from the charity said she would come and stay with me while they're here. She's such a sweetheart.
I've decided that I probably will go ahead & take part in the documentary. So I just hope (possibly naively?) that what comes of it when the final edited version is shown will be what I have personally been told it will be.
Googled the the tv production company & found out abit more information & what the hoarding documentary is going to be called. I Don't exactly meet the criteria for what they're looking for: middle class hoarders - individuals with families at home, active social lives etc... While I on the other hand am rather more poverty stricken than middle class, don't have my family (ie my children) at home anymore, am single & my social life is seriously wanting.
Met the tv production company that contacted me via this blog & facebook to take part in their documentary. First at the hoarding seminar where we then arranged to meet for an informal chat. I (stupidly?) pretty much spilled my guts (easily charmed is I!) & probably gave out too much personal info :-/. They're going to be coming to do abit of filming this or next week, to show their senior producer I think they said. Letting them into my house is going to be a big thing, so the main lady that I work with from the charity said she would come and stay with me while they're here. She's such a sweetheart.
I've decided that I probably will go ahead & take part in the documentary. So I just hope (possibly naively?) that what comes of it when the final edited version is shown will be what I have personally been told it will be.
Googled the the tv production company & found out abit more information & what the hoarding documentary is going to be called. I Don't exactly meet the criteria for what they're looking for: middle class hoarders - individuals with families at home, active social lives etc... While I on the other hand am rather more poverty stricken than middle class, don't have my family (ie my children) at home anymore, am single & my social life is seriously wanting.
Monday 20 June 2011
Disorder's Life #20 - Public speaking, & possible options for treatment?
Was asked to speak at a Hoarding Seminar about my experience as a hoarder, how it's affected my life etc. Thought it was going to be easy peasy, after all, this illness has affected my life so drastically & dramatically, it has pretty much destroyed my life. But instead, as the days drew nearer, I became more wrecked with nerves & couldn't finish writing the speech I was preparing for, so backed out.
On the day itself I was however persuaded & did speak in the end, along side another very nice lady who also suffers from compulsive hoarding. Building up to it I was so overly anxious that I started manifesting nervous ticks & twitches, which I couldn't fully control no matter how hard I tried. I have no idea if anyone noticed though.
The very nice lady & myself were asked questions by one of the ladies from the the charitable organisation who has often worked with me on decluttering my home. Now, I don't consider myself the owner of a vast vocabulary, articulate or eloquent in any way. So I didn't feel like I did/explained myself very well, but others said otherwise. So I hope my contribution did have some kind of positive impact.
Been thinking today about what could really help me increase my chances of fully recovering from this illness & achieving normality. Reading somewhere online that 50% of compulsive hoarders can make a mild to moderate improvement makes me think that there must be more that can be done to help increase the rate & process of recover.
On the day itself I was however persuaded & did speak in the end, along side another very nice lady who also suffers from compulsive hoarding. Building up to it I was so overly anxious that I started manifesting nervous ticks & twitches, which I couldn't fully control no matter how hard I tried. I have no idea if anyone noticed though.
The very nice lady & myself were asked questions by one of the ladies from the the charitable organisation who has often worked with me on decluttering my home. Now, I don't consider myself the owner of a vast vocabulary, articulate or eloquent in any way. So I didn't feel like I did/explained myself very well, but others said otherwise. So I hope my contribution did have some kind of positive impact.
Been thinking today about what could really help me increase my chances of fully recovering from this illness & achieving normality. Reading somewhere online that 50% of compulsive hoarders can make a mild to moderate improvement makes me think that there must be more that can be done to help increase the rate & process of recover.
I was reading up on cognitive functioning & found some interesting information about how cognitive training in dyslexics (eg; Jungle Memory: http://theconference.ca/technology-and-the-brain) can actually allow them to catch up with their peers. So I was thinking after reading this, that hoarders have problems in their frontal cortex with (among other things) working memory & processing etc, and seeing that cognitive functioning can be trained to work normally, then it should be possible for something like that (eg of cognitive training: http://www.cogmed.com/) to be available along side Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for hoarders.
I don't think those offering treatment always look deep or wide enough into how to treat chronic hoarders. They're possibly stuck in a box & this probably limits the success in treating this condition/illness. I think it's not just how a compulsive hoarder thinks about things (emotional attachments etc, which CBT deals with) that's the problem, but the deficits & disruption in our ability to think clearly in the first place, ie; forgetfulness, foggy thinking, difficulties making decisions etc. Cognitive Training should improve these, which in turn I'm assuming should result in possible improvements in other areas of hoarding behaviour? ie; if you're not so worried about forgetting, you're more liking to put things away instead of always where you can see them.
If I were making some kind of care package it would be:
1) Practical hands on help decluttering (with a signed agreement & the hoarding person is in charge/director. Remembering to always treat with respect & dignity).
2) Group therapy (speaking to others like our selves).
3) CBT & CT.
4) Anti anxiety meds along with antidepressants.
I also think what would work for me is to just empty (NOT Blitz Clean!) out a room at a time & then work on cleaning & putting back what I want to keep. Whatever is left then can follow the rules in use with the hoarding charity, Which is:
1) Keep - use, wash, clean, store, repair.
2) Sell - ebay, donate, charity etc.
3) Throw - compost, recycle.
4) Maybe - temporarily store, consider at a later date.
If I were making some kind of care package it would be:
1) Practical hands on help decluttering (with a signed agreement & the hoarding person is in charge/director. Remembering to always treat with respect & dignity).
2) Group therapy (speaking to others like our selves).
3) CBT & CT.
4) Anti anxiety meds along with antidepressants.
I also think what would work for me is to just empty (NOT Blitz Clean!) out a room at a time & then work on cleaning & putting back what I want to keep. Whatever is left then can follow the rules in use with the hoarding charity, Which is:
1) Keep - use, wash, clean, store, repair.
2) Sell - ebay, donate, charity etc.
3) Throw - compost, recycle.
4) Maybe - temporarily store, consider at a later date.
Tuesday 14 June 2011
Disorder's Life #19 - Decluttering, TV Documetaries & IQ tests
The charity came round today for the usual decluttering session. And after last weeks session I asked my psychologist to come too, so that there could be discussion about how to work in a manner that will achieve better results. I don't want to feel forced by them, or so afraid of them coming back into my home that instead of moving forward, all the hard work is unraveled & I end up going back to square one.
Was contacted via this blog & my Facebook page by a TV production company to take part in a documentary about hoarders. Not sure if it's something I want to publisized. Sure I write this blog & Youtubed (totally crappy video on my mobile/cell phone) my home, but these are all done anonymously, so I don't feel exposed. Now going on TV to air all my (literally) dirty laundry in public is a whole other matter.
Have been asked to speak at a Seminar about hoarding next Friday, it's feeling rather nerve wrecking now. I haven't even written a speech yet, made some bullet points to expand on but that's it.
Recently had to have an IQ test, it is related to the **** I'm having to go through over being a hoarder & my children. In that they're looking at me from all angles & trying to find a fault they can use against me before making a final decision. Anyway, the test I took was WAIS III. But before I talk about that, to show things in a clearer perspective, I should mention that when I was young, in my early teen (between 12-13) I was pretty much illiterate. I was then given a Stanford Binet test & all I can remember about that was having to make boxes/bricks into pictures on card, doing that very quickly & being told that I scored the level of a 16 year old! Then when I was in my early 20's I took a timed, supervised Mensa IQ (Cattell B) test & scored 139. Putting me in the 95th percentile & top 5% percent of the population.
Ok, so recently I was pretty much made to take an IQ test, I didn't want to take it because I could already feel a decline of my cognitive functioning. Which I personally blamed on possibly too much TV, using google instead of thinking & I suspect posible dyslexia? Considering how long it took me to learn to read as a child (though I was also neglected educationally by the teachers also, who just didn't bother with children like myself). Also my loss in ability is highly likely due to suffering from anxiety, depression & the hoarding. Because I felt my thinking become fuzzy/foggy when I was trying to recall/remember.
Something interesting I found out from my recent IQ test is that I scored high in Perceptual Organisation (90 something percentile), which is probably why I did so well on the Stanford Binet when I was a child. But that I scored low (though still within the normal average range) for Working Memory (I wonder if that's why I can never remember names?) & Processing Speed. This is probably related to why I've felt dumb all my life, my under achievements, poor academic performance & thus failures (also I have low self-efficacy). Again though I have to remind myself that I scored NORMAL for these areas. Losing my mother at a young age, coming from a deprived background, being I would say pretty much abandoned in so many ways & much more other things I sharn't go into here has probably resulted in a lack of motivation, confidence & high self-efficacy = poor performance.
So, I was looking up low working memory & Hoarding, as to me it seems that hoarding is very much related to low working memory & is in fact a way to compensate? I was looking at a website called Cogmed & feel it might actually offer an in part solution to compulsive hoarding behaviour by dealing with the deeper issues around working memory/cognitive functioning. Along with CBT I think the Cognitive Training or other mental exercises might help by/with dealing with the underlying issues around decision making?
Was contacted via this blog & my Facebook page by a TV production company to take part in a documentary about hoarders. Not sure if it's something I want to publisized. Sure I write this blog & Youtubed (totally crappy video on my mobile/cell phone) my home, but these are all done anonymously, so I don't feel exposed. Now going on TV to air all my (literally) dirty laundry in public is a whole other matter.
Have been asked to speak at a Seminar about hoarding next Friday, it's feeling rather nerve wrecking now. I haven't even written a speech yet, made some bullet points to expand on but that's it.
Recently had to have an IQ test, it is related to the **** I'm having to go through over being a hoarder & my children. In that they're looking at me from all angles & trying to find a fault they can use against me before making a final decision. Anyway, the test I took was WAIS III. But before I talk about that, to show things in a clearer perspective, I should mention that when I was young, in my early teen (between 12-13) I was pretty much illiterate. I was then given a Stanford Binet test & all I can remember about that was having to make boxes/bricks into pictures on card, doing that very quickly & being told that I scored the level of a 16 year old! Then when I was in my early 20's I took a timed, supervised Mensa IQ (Cattell B) test & scored 139. Putting me in the 95th percentile & top 5% percent of the population.
Ok, so recently I was pretty much made to take an IQ test, I didn't want to take it because I could already feel a decline of my cognitive functioning. Which I personally blamed on possibly too much TV, using google instead of thinking & I suspect posible dyslexia? Considering how long it took me to learn to read as a child (though I was also neglected educationally by the teachers also, who just didn't bother with children like myself). Also my loss in ability is highly likely due to suffering from anxiety, depression & the hoarding. Because I felt my thinking become fuzzy/foggy when I was trying to recall/remember.
Something interesting I found out from my recent IQ test is that I scored high in Perceptual Organisation (90 something percentile), which is probably why I did so well on the Stanford Binet when I was a child. But that I scored low (though still within the normal average range) for Working Memory (I wonder if that's why I can never remember names?) & Processing Speed. This is probably related to why I've felt dumb all my life, my under achievements, poor academic performance & thus failures (also I have low self-efficacy). Again though I have to remind myself that I scored NORMAL for these areas. Losing my mother at a young age, coming from a deprived background, being I would say pretty much abandoned in so many ways & much more other things I sharn't go into here has probably resulted in a lack of motivation, confidence & high self-efficacy = poor performance.
So, I was looking up low working memory & Hoarding, as to me it seems that hoarding is very much related to low working memory & is in fact a way to compensate? I was looking at a website called Cogmed & feel it might actually offer an in part solution to compulsive hoarding behaviour by dealing with the deeper issues around working memory/cognitive functioning. Along with CBT I think the Cognitive Training or other mental exercises might help by/with dealing with the underlying issues around decision making?
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