Wow! interesting day. The guys from TV production company came round today. They spoke with me abit about my home & then we did a walk through were they filmed & I just spoke about each room as we went. Really interesting experience. I didn't feel half as humiliated or ashamed as I thought I would. I think that is thanks to getting to know them abit before hand first, from our meeting last week & also down to their sensitivity of the subject.
I asked? accepted the suggestion of the main lady I work with to declutter my home, from the charitable organisation to come along when the TV production company guys came, as a kind of advocate for me. What a big mistake! I felt like she painted me as an overly vulnerable case, about to probably have a nervous breakdown at any minute, ugh! Now don't get me wrong, considering what I've been through over the last few years & am still going through at the moment, I am indeed vulnerable! But really! did she have to portray me in what I consider was such an exaggerated, negative manner, honestly!
She was suppose to be here as a friend, to help me keep my privacy intact. instead I ended up feeling more vulnerable & exposed, as she gave out personal information without my consent. Such as comments made about my bathroom, & on about my only having 3 people in my life; my children, my father & the MRS charity. I don't feel like that's the case at all. While it's true that I have ended up isolating myself from the friends I once had. I do socialise, via eg: exercize classes at the gym every week, also something called Core Arts & I (unfortunately) have 101 other appointments which keep me more than busy. So I'm not stuck at home all day rocking in some corner. Pfft!
Gosh! I do find I get nervous when a camera is pointed at my face, & I don't end up saying the things I ought to. I go all tongue tied infact. Eg: I was asked today (something like?) what would be difficult about decluttering my childrens room... I gave the most pathetic, stupid answer imaginable, about my children still needing the toys. Now, probably I should of said more about how their toys remind me of them & helps me to still feel close to my little kittens, but no, instead I said something STUPID! Blegh! *Bows head in shame*
What's really strange is the more I work with the tv production team, the more I'm finding myself looking forward to being a part of this documentary. I'm at least enjoying the process leading up to it. Now in my head, taking part in this will some how lead to better things for me & my children???? Where as before all I could think about was the shame & humiliation it would bring, everyone knowing how "disgusting" I am, living in more than what clearly presents itself as "worst than a pig sty". After all, who lives like this, right? Anyway, also, if I'm chosen for what I was told will be the "A Stories" then I will probably get much more specialised help & support for what's going on in that brain of mine, than I'm getting right now. But we'll see how it all pans out!
Today I feel very much like putting into action the plan I carry around with me in my head, to clear everything out of the living room. I feel a strong motivation to do it & more importantly that I CAN do it! I think it's from the positive encounter with the tv production guys. See! proves that more results can be achieved by using a carrot & not a stick approach. As was spoken about at the seminar.
On a more difficult & painful topic. My children mean the world to me & the biggest fear I have is us drifting apart/away from each other. So that when they grow up we will no longer have any kind of close, loving relationship/bond. I feel what's happening at the moment (with social services) is without a doubt going to lead to this. I'm not going to go into details but it is breaking my effing heart & hurting not just me but my children too.
After what I've been through, I often wonder what I would say or advise someone in similar circumstances. It would be difficult for me to recommend they come forward for help & treatment. To be then labelled a criminal, have their children removed, taken to court, threatened with eviction, humiliated infront of the neighbours, treated like filthy scum, to be pitied if they're lucky & outcasted if they're not. After all that I've experienced I'm surprised I'm still even standing.
No one chooses to live like this. It is a mental illness, no one choses to be ill. People with cancer don't choose to have cancer, or those with Aids don't choose to have Aids, people with Anorexia don't choose to be anorexic & hoarders don't choose to become hoarders. Maybe the right treatment, handing & approach will be set in place for those suffering from this illness in the future. Then again, they have to find what the right treatment is. Reading of only a 30% long term success rate with current treatment isn't encouraging at all.
This (working with outside help & them with hoarders) in many ways is about trust, sensitivity, dignity, respect, privacy & rights.
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