Disorder's Life #14 - Not too optimistic today

I'm feeling like there's no hope for me today. I just feel kinda empty, like there's this hole in my heart that nothing can fill or fix. I think it's probably because of everything I've been through over the years. Some people cut themselves when they're in this kind of pain, drink alcohol, do drugs. Me! I'm a binge eater. Well.. a hoarder & a binge eater. Maybe not dealing with my things, my home, is my way of dealing with life.

I've been trying to think of things to help me deal with clearing & cleaning this squalid mess I call home. I wanted move this certain box that's been in the way of my path to the kitchen but when I started I couldn't. So I thought today that if I reward myself, maybe that'll make me more able to do these things. Because I'd know there was something worthwhile at the end of it. Usually when I tidy something I don't feel anything much, expect worry about it returning to the way it was before ( & the thoughts of that means I can never touch it again or it will ruin  all my hard work), & feelings of what's the point of tidying it then.

I will see though if rewarding myself will help me think differently about dealing with, tidying & clearing all the mess. I thought I could either treat myself to seeing a film/movie at the cinema, going to my favourite restaurant, buy my favourite hot chocolate powder (from Costa or Starbucks, Mmmm!), buy a new magazine, buy new clothes or shoes, go hair dressers, get my nails done, get my eyebrows threaded, get a make-up make over, get a massage, buy myself some jewellery, rings etc, go to the beach. Because at the end of the day it really is a case of how I think about all this mess, & I probably lack the same driving forces in my mind that others who don't let their place get into this kind of state do have. I need something to make me feel it's not painful & is worth doing.

I wonder if praising myself would help?? Or positive affirmations. I was reading about the Law of Attraction (or "the Secret"). Seems like something I'd like to try & put into practice. Also would like to try hypnotism too.